My Reality Roller Coaster

2/04/2016 Estreitta 0 Comments

Last week was a really emotional week for me.   The reality of another month going by and I am not pregnant is so incredibly challenging.  Almost 14 years on this roller coaster. It is nauseating and frustrating, I want to get off of it and I don't want to ride any longer. 

The reality of  only having a few more "fertile" years left brings me to tears. 

The reality that I have friends have children ready to go to college and I have still have none breaks my heart. 

Yes, I know God has a plan, purpose and a season...I know God's timing is perfect, I know he is a miracle working God. I know this deep in my heart. But then reality comes in and tells me a completely different story.

I feel like I have prayed all I can pray about it.  I seek his face ask for confirmation that I am to continue to stand and believe for this miracle of life to happen to me and I receive it.

But then when the reality that I am not pregnant, the dream comes to a screeching halt and seems so out of reach and unattainable, I just want to stop standing and just curl up in a ball.

7 Years ago When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was told I needed to go for atleast 3 years before trying to get pregnant. So we waited.  Then when we decided to go to a fertility specialist i was hopeful but then   I did feel like i was trying to make it happen in my time rather than the Lord's timing  - just decided to give up and Trust that he would make it happen when it was the right time.

Just in case you were wondering...The adoption plan has been on hold indefinitely...partly because of us being procrastinators, being in transition, and partly because I was hoping, standing and believing for me to conceive, carry and bear a child by now the last official year of my 30's.  Yes We still want to adopt... And plan on it in near future... But I wanted to "try" one last time before we focused on adoption again.  

I have experienced my fair share  of comments and "encouragements" from well meaning people that don't make me feel any better and can even make me feel worse.  

Feeling isolated or a social pariah because I'm not a mom and can't do play dates... Rarely do I get invited to baby showers even some friends scared to tell me they are pregnant, or invite me to their kids birthday parties because people "don't want to hurt my feelings"... It really sucks to be me sometimes. 

Every month that goes by I grieve  year after year of this.  I go through seasons where I don't even want to think about it, talk about it or acknowledged it because facing the reality is the most painful part of this... So if I don't look or think about it I won't be reminded how real this truly is.

I do think of Sarah, Hannah and  Elizabeth from the bible, being "older in years" & barren... 

Then God did a miracle and Sarah birthed a nation, Hannah the nation's prophet and Elizabeth a forerunner prophet & evangelist of the coming Messiah.  I want to be a bearer of life of someone who will do many exploits for the Lord.

With God I do believe in the impossible being possible. But right now I feel as though I am walking on water towards Jesus see the storm and start to drown...

having faith in the unseen and yet reality is saying another.  

What do you do when you start to question everything you thought you heard from the Lord and at the same time reality is telling you its not happening its never going to happen? 

I see and hear all these awesome testimonies from friends or in church of people trying to conceive and getting pregnant even when doctors said it isn't possible. 

I know people in the church  like to talk about the miracles & testimonies but what about those still believing for a miracle with the reality of barrenness.

Its so hard when I thought I heard the Lord clearly give me confirmations, signs, and promptings when I least expected it yet it hasn't happened...  

I've prayed, begged, pleaded, made deals with God to have just one child.... and almost 14 years later nothing has come to fruition.

Lord,please help me to get through this...

I haven't given up I just need to unload, and get it out there. I know I do have several friends that have been praying for us and have been faithful to do so for a long time... this is probably the area I am most vulnerable the most emotional about and I am all over the place about this.  I do believe in God's ability, in his word, in his promises to me... I just struggle a bit every now and then in this area.